Howdy. My name is Ryan Geiger and I live, work and play in downtown Denver.

I am totally geeked out for the new Star Trek movie.

I’m cool, I’m hip.  Right?  Right.  Except, not really.  Deep down, about a millimeter below my facade, I’m the biggest dork you’ve ever met in your life.  I’m not a fan of anime or anything like that, I don’t believe anime falls into the “dork” category.  No, I mean I love Star Trek, have a subscription to Wired magazine for the tech reviews, and like watching UFO and Bermuda Triangle shows on tv during the weekend.  Even though it’s all the same footage, just dropped in different places on the show’s timeline.

So, naturally when I first caught wind of J.J. Abrams delving into the Star Trek arena, I busted a chub the likes of which you’ve never seen before.  Of course, if you don’t know, I’m one of the largest Lost fans on the planet.  It’s one of four shows that I can not miss.  Because I know you’re wondering now, the other three are:  Fringe (also Abrams), Family Guy, and South Park.  Sure, I love other shows as well (My Name is Earl, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), but the aforementioned quartet I can not miss.  DVR, DVR, DVR.

Anyway, back to the point.  Star Trek, and the reason I’m writing about it (which can be summed up in two words), William Shatner.  Now listen, I love the Shat as much as the next guy, but come on man.  T.J. Hooker apparently got ALL bent out of shape about the remake, to the point the new Captain Kirk had to write a letter saying “Hey, I don’t want there to be any hard feelings here.  I was approached about the role, and couldn’t turn it down for obvious reasons.  But I mean no disrespect to you, or the show itself.”

What . . the . . hell is going through Shatner’s mind?  He couldn’t honestly think he would somehow be involved in the remake, could he?  I mean, seriously?  Just looking at him on Boston Legal makes me sick at the thought of seeing him in the ol’ spandex Star Fleet uniform.  Live long and prosper my ass, more like Don’t you ever think about putting on anything tighter than Loose Fit.  I mean, I’m talking Hip Hop Loose Fit too.  If I had to see the Shat’s sack squeezed into some type of flashback (or forward) scene in the new flick, I swear to god I’d get up and walk out.  Good movie or not!

Oh, and let’s not forget, the bastard died.

And if he’s worried about franchise/show/original cast integrity or something, I’ve got only one thing to say, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.  The Shat and crew go back in fucking time to grab two humpback whales and bring them back to the future in order to save Earth from some alien probe that’s trying to communicate with humpback whales (for some reason), and hasn’t been able to because they’ve gone extinct in the future.

Now read that last paragraph again, then pause, then punch something.  Because that is exactly what I did about half way through this movie.

I say let’s wipe the last three Star Trek movies with William Shatner from existence and allow a revival of a great show for the many existing fans, and especially younger people who have never seen an episode of the original show.  JJ Abrams knows what he’s doing in this genre, and I’m pretty effin excited about it.

Chill out, Shat!